Day 8 - Where did my motivation go??

So, I've had no motivation ALL DAY. From the minute I woke up, to this very moment. I have not slept in my own bed since Thursday night. I don't know why, but the bed seems so distant. I feel so small in it. I feel so much more comforatable sleeping on the couch. But I need to get back to my bed, I need to get back to sleeping in my room. Also, I've lost the motivation to go jogging. I've GOT to get that back. I'm thinking about taking Molly to the beach with me tomorrow for some jogging - so long as the wind isn't so bad. But I've got to get back into the swing of things. It isn't like I'm depressed or lonely... I'm just, feeling lazy. I just don't want to do anything. Writing this blog, is straining me terribly. I just don't feel like it. So I'm sure ya'll will understand when I say, I'm just blank today. I'm glad the day is soon ending and I will wake up in the morning, hopefully with a new outlook. So for tonight, I'm done blogging. There isn't much to say. Tune in tomorrow and I promise I will make it more interesting!! Goodnight ya'll!

P.S. I only have ONE entry for the contest!! Come on people, start entering your photos!

Contest ya'll!!

So I've decided I'm gonna start a picture contest on this blog! I will have a new contest every week until I can no longer come up with contest topics :) Here's how it works ya'll. When I announce the type of contest, you can send your picture to my email. Here's the rules:
- One picture per person
- When you send your picture, include your name and branch.
- No namecalling, branch bashing, etc.
And here's the prize:
I know it's not a big prize, or anything of substance. But I will post your story with your hubby, son, daughter, aunt, uncle, mom, dad, etc. if you win. With that being said, also realize this is not just a contest for military wives. Parents may enter, friends, etc. Anyone who has someone in the military that they love :)

This week's contest is specific to - NAVY :) I only want pictures with sailors this week ya'll. In the next few weeks I will also have contests with the other branches of course, so if you aren't the lover of a sailor, hang tight! Your contest will be coming! Start sending your pictures as soon as you'd like to laurelbby@yahoo.com Remember though to include your name and (the branch is obvious.)

Voting DOES NOT START until Wednesday, March 2nd. I will post a blog saying that voting is officially started and include the pictures I have so far and at that point, I will explain the rules for voting. You can continue to send in pictures until Sunday and I will update the blog with your pictures once I get them - Waiting 'til after Wednesday will simply shorten the amount of time your picture has to be voted for. Voting ENDS on Sunday, March 6th. So there ya go ladies - Start sending those pictures! :)

Today will be the close of WEEK ONE!

So, today is day 7. I wish I could say I had the motivation I had earlier this week but, I am doing OK. I'm not really sad or anything at the moment. I'm just relaxing. I'm pretty kosher. I can't believe a week ago as of today, I was in my husband's arms, receiving tons of kisses and lots of cuddling. I really really miss him, and I so badly want my husband to come home. But I can smile in the fact that 1 week has officially ended and that is one week down! I can most certainly do this :)I just gotta keep my head in the game and keep on working hard. My husband makes me proud and I would like to do the same for him. For now, I'm gonna cut this blog a little short. I'm babysitting and her movie is coming to a close so I'll need to occupy her :p So everyone, one week down... Lets keep 'em coming.

Day 6... Wow, went pretty quick!

Basically did some errands today, finished a project :) Will post pics soon! and now I'm babysitting overnight. I miss my husband and I am extremely proud of him. He really does amaze me every single day, even when he's away. I miss his kisses, I miss him holding my hand and snuggling with me on the couch... But we are gonna be ok. He loves me and I love him. We trust each other and we are devoted to finishing this deployment without too much suffering!! My pup about broke my heart cause I asked her where Daddy was again today and she jumped up and started wagging her tail and whining at the door... We both miss him. And our home feels so much bigger without him here. I wish he was here to fill in the extra space and make it feel like home again. But I have officially made it through sleeping alone for 5 nights (soon to be 6) and our one week point is coming up very quickly! It's a matter of weeks, waiting it out and working hard!! Today I didn't go jogging. I decided to take a R&R day to let my muscles relax. Tomorrow though, jogging on the beach with molly so long as it isn't too windy for her :) I'm ready to prove to myself that I can keep myself going even when I'm on my own. I'm ready to remember the person I was before I moved away from home and in with my fiance (and husband soon after). I'm ready to remember who Laurel was. So here I am, finding myself again!! Deployment, you really suck, but you also do give people an opportunity to find their inner strength and I thank you for that :) Well ya'll, time to get back to babysitting and watching Dispicable me :p Never give up on finding yourself, even if you feel like part of you is thousands of miles away.

Here's the video of my husband's submarine deploying and a little story about it :)

USS Newport News deploys : wavy.com

In the video below, my husband is the 3rd guy over whenever they zoom in on the guys in the green vests :) I am so proud.


I'm praying for all our boys, come home safe!!

Day 5. A little winded today.

You know how I'm feelin today?? I'm feeling... Well, winded. You know when you're running a big race (Maybe you don't, so just imagine) and at the beginning, your lungs feel full of strength and your legs are just pumping... Then, BAM, you round the next corner and exhaustion starts to set in and your legs get heavy and your lungs start to burn a little bit. And you're thinking in your head "Shit, I just started running, the finish line is forever away. How the heck am I gonna do this?" Well, that's my mood this morning. I feel sorta discouraged today. First off, my body is so sore that I don't think I could run if I tried (Although, I will still go running here in a bit) and I just keep thinking, this deployment has just started, how am I gonna make it to the finish line? I know I will, but here comes the part of the race where things get a little tougher. So in the face of discouragement, I will push through. I will go jogging, I will clean my house (and babysit actually a little later on.) The day will pass, as the days previous to today have. My advice for everyone today is, push push push!! Just keep the momentum going and don't let this feeling bog you down. It's ok to miss your SO (Significant other) and sometimes it's even ok to cry or let yourself spend a day on the couch being miserable and watching sad movies. But not yet! It is way too soon! I've said this in a previous blog. Maybe after a month or so, I'll give in to a day like that. But not now. I've got too much going for me and too many goals I'd like to achieve. So, the weekend has begun. Once it passes, I can offically say my husband has been gone a week. The deployment fairy has not visited since she helped my kidney stone pain flare back up, which was Day 2. Also, something I must warn everyone of! (Of course, after I warn you, you'll probably do it) but I found something on the internet called "The donut of misery." I'm sure you could find it if you looked hard enough on Google. I downloaded it, thinking it would be helpful. I'm the sort of person who loves percentages, figures, numbers, countdowns until certain things take place. Well, I wanted to download the infamous pie chart that I've heard many military wives having. DON'T download it until you know your deployment is at least 25% over... Because this whole "2%" thing made me feel horrible. I scribbled out the specific details (OPSEC loves me) and I will post the donut of misery at the bottom of this blog - Just to show you how discouraging it is. Although, I don't mind the fact that it gathers how much family separation we've collected so far :p Well, starting my day now! So everyone keep your spirits up and keep pushing!

Day 4... Wow!

Today, flew by!! I can't believe it's already about time to go to bed. I woke up, took care of some bills, went for a jog, came home for a little bit, had a friend come by and we went for another (more intense) jog with some walking afterwards, grabbed a good ole healthy sub from subway and now I'm home, writing this blog. Soon to shower then clean! I am sore and exhausted, but honestly, that feels great!! I feel accomplished today. I just wanna say HAHA to the deployment fairy on this one cause although working out got pretty difficult today, I rocked it! When I started getting tired, I just kept thinking "Homecoming. Wanna look sexy for Patrick's homecoming" and that pretty much did it til my lungs just decided to be done for the day. Honestly, I've just been trying to keep my mindset off of him as much as possible (he's never completely off of my mind) but the less I worry, and the less I think, the easier the days pass. Now, some people might read that and think "Ha, she's not suffering. She's just putting it out of her mind." I am suffering. I truly, dearly miss my husband. It is so hard not to go through videos with his voice, listen to songs that make me miss him, etc... It is a constant battle. But I won't let myself go through that, not yet. I've gotta hang tough and work hard. A few weeks down the road, I'll allow myself to go through videos, blast depressing songs and cry my eyes out. But for now, I'm working to just make it through the first few weeks. I'm working to build a foundation for myself so that no matter how depressed or lonely I get without my husband, I will never crumble. That's my current goal. Although, I gave in once tonight. I allowed myself to listen to "here comes goodbye." I felt myself slipping a little, like I wanted to cry. So I turned it off. Like I said, it's just not time for that yet. I gotta be strong for now. Not only for me, but for my hubby. I love him. He is a wonderful, wonderful man. I have more pride in him than anyone or anything in the world. Our military men are sacrificing so much. Those on the frontlines, those who are not currently deployed and all those inbetween, are working late hours, knowing they're gonna be apart from their families and friends and all those things they love for months and months and months. Even when we aren't in battle, they're showing America's presense. They're showing that we are here and we are strong. They've giving up precious moments with the people they're going to grow old with. They miss their children's first steps, they miss their wives (period.), they miss family members passing away... They miss all of those moments that many people couldn't imagine missing. I am proud and I am staying strong for my husband. So everyone, hang in there. What we're doing is hard, but what they're doing is harder. We've got the luxury of distractions and goals. They do not. Well, this is all for tonight. Let me know if anyone has anything they'd like to write me about and let me know if anyone has any questions!! Goodnight everyone and... Day 4, kiss my ass!

Another day coming to a close...

Well, went on my jog today! I feel GREAT! I know today's jog didn't change much with my weight or anything, but my self confidence was already very high. I just felt all around, better. So this working out thing - Definitely a good idea. Now, I gave in. I ordered pizza. Lol, which was dumb cause now I feel fat again :p So tomorrow, I'm gonna run hard again and work hard again. AND stop by the store to grab stuff for salad :p LOTS of salad to feel my huuungry appetite. I feel very confident at the moment - very happy about my goals and the things I want to do. I feel like I have so much to accomplish before I see him next and I gotta just put my head down and GO! But, the days are coming quickly surprisingly. It's been 3 days and I'm finding myself exhausted by 9pm (Unusual for me!) and waking up at a decent time. Before, when I would be home while he was out to sea, I would keep myself up until 4 or 5am and sleep until 3 in the afternoon. I just wanted to waste as much daylight as possible sleeping. But things are different now. I'm getting into a schedule, I'm getting into a routine. Thank goodness! Just looking forward to what's infront of me and I'm gonna keep working myself hard. Also, today my sense of pride in my husband has SKY-ROCKETED!! I am SO proud of him for what he does. He is such a wonderful man and I could not be more proud. I am a lucky woman to have the man I have. I would do anything for him - this deployment is nothing. I love him and this is what we do. Sorry I don't have much to say (for me this is good - because it shows that I'm working hard enough to where I am managing myself well) For those of you following along... Ask me questions. Anyone. Give me something to write about, fuel a post for me. I'll answer any questions ya'll have about the military lifestyle, about deployment, about anything... I'd appreciate it!! Sleep tight everyone, and tune in tomorrow for another day in my life!!

Hello, day 3! :)

I am gonna kick day 3 in the butt!! I woke up with a great attitude and tons of motivation. I woke up thinking, I am getting stronger. I know I am. I'm looking forward to the things I am gonna accomplish, I'm looking forward to the things I'm gonna do and change in this time apart from my husband. I keep thinking of all the wonderful blessings in my life, all the things I have, all the love I've had the pleasure of sharing with a wonderful man... And I realize, it doesn't come free. You gotta work to have a life that good, so here I am, giving my husband up for about 7+ months to show that we deserve to be together and have a life this good. I think 7 months is a small amount of time to give up for a lifetime of happiness together. And everyone, the best way to get through a deployment, hands down, is to have goals. Big goals. Not teeny tiny ones. Because right now my main goal is losing weight. I've always been one of those people who gets motivated then all the sudden gets un-motivated and doesn't do it. But this deployment is pushing me to do these things while I've got the opportunity. Call me crazy, but at the moment I don't feel like I have enough time to get as in shape as I want, although I'm sure I do. So it's time to get started, working hard, accomplishing everything I can possibly accomplish and making this time count. When he leaves usually, I just sit on the couch and watch TV or movies all day, sleep the other half of the day. But this is a precious amount of time that I have for ME. To those of you who are married, do you ever feel like you've left yourself behind somewhere? You get so caught up in the bills, the stress, everything - especially military members and family members, because you have the added worries of deployments, underways, long work nights, etc. I have this one opportunity, to find myself again and hold tight to it so when my husband comes back, he'll see the girl he fell in love with when she was 14. He'll see the bright personality that I once had, that was faded as time went on. He won't see a weak woman who sat infront of the TV or the computer. He'll see Laurel Anne. The girl he's loved for a long time and he'll be proud. He'll be proud of me, as I am proud of him. That's what I'm about to accomplish. I'm going to make my husband proud. And I'm going to make myself proud. For those of you dreading a deployment, in the middle of the deployment, who are lonely and not sure how to spend your time, find yourself again. Make yourself proud. Well ladies, I'll probably write again later, but for now Molly and I are going jogging. For the first time since, mmm, a long time lets just say. Hang in there everyone, the days are passing.

Welp, day 2 is coming to a close...

Since my last post, I've spent time with a friend and dyed my hair back - THANK GOODNESS. My husband, loves crazy colored hair. I bleached my hair to dye it a light red and guess what! BLEACH IS BAD!!!!!! It turned my hair yellow and orange. I thought it looked terrible, but of course my hubby loved it. He wouldn't allow me to dye it back until he deployed, so here I am, with dark reddish brown hair, as normal. I feel alot better about it :) And I've started a craft. It's a bit of a secret at the moment until I find out whether or not it's gonna be awesome. But once I finish it, sometime this weekend, I will put some pictures up! Anyways, I also got an email from the husband today :) It was short, and very obviously sent last night versus today, but hearing from him was very very nice. Makes me feel so much better. It's starting to feel like he's just out to sea like normal. Just another underway. My husband and I, well, we're newlyweds pretty much. We were married November 26th, which was almots 3 months ago. That's not quite half of the deployment, but close-ish. And that feels like it was just yesterday. I'm starting to realize, that as long as I can keep myself very busy and keep the days turning quickly, he will be home before I know it. That little piece of hope helps keep me hopeful. I'm anxious for tomorrow because my husband will have a letter from the box I made him to open and read. He will have something that I made for him with love to hold onto and read. It will help him feel closer to home, and I am so happy for that. But for now ladies, I'm gonna snuggle my puppy, do a few exercises and tune into Teen Mom 2 (My favorite show - My hubby is secretly addicted too :p) So I will write to you all tomorrow. I apologize for a non-interesting day and not much stuff to grab onto - But everyone, this is good news. For you ladies, who are waiting for your husbands to come home, or you families who are waiting for your son, brother, sister, daughter, fathers and mothers, etc... Realize that the time will still pass and the pain will grow smaller. Know that you're stronger than anybody could know. Not many people could do what you do. And not many people could do what our loved ones out on deployment could do either. Keep you chins up everyone. Never let go of what you love.

Day 2

Oooh, hello deployment fairy!! It's so nice to see you again so soon!! So, last night - my washer broke. It had a burning smell and wouldn't wash clothes. So I submitted a maintenance request to have someone come fix it from our apartment complex. I had a horrible time falling asleep, but finally, I passed out. I woke up with some bad pains in my stomach and GUESS WHAT, nearly a month ago, I had went to the ER (a visit from the "underway fairy") the day after my husband was sent out to sea for a few days and found out I had kidney stones. Well, after a week, pain went away. So I figured the stones had passed. But nooo, they waited til 6:30am to rear their ugly heads! Sorry to be so blunt, but I was stuck on the toilet for about 2 hours cause everytime I left it, the urge to pee came back and I was terribly uncomforatable. I took all my medicines that had been given to me for the kidney stones, including a vicodin for the IMMENSE pain. Finally, they passed and as fast as the pain came, it left. I passed back out around 9am until maintenance showed up at 10am. They fixed my washer. I fell back asleep (Vicodin will do that to ya) and woke up off and on until about 1:30, 2. So, lets keep count here - Deployment fairy has visited 1.) Molly pottying on the car seat 2.) Washer breaking 3.) Kidney stones. That's 3-0! Here's what I've decided is my new battle strategy. When I start working out (Supposed to start today but that's now not happening!) each pound I lose will be my score. And by the end of deployment, hopefully I'll have won! Moving on though, to how I'm feeling today. I miss my husband. It's a little unreal that he's gone officially and the big scary deployment word has become a big scary adventure. I'm sitting at the starting line of a triple marathon wondering how the hell I am gonna accomplish this. But, I also know that I will. I will accomplish it, even if I walk the entire thing. I will make it, because there is NOTHING I want more in this world than to see my husband at the finish line. I'm lonely without him, but today for me is definitely better than yesterday was. Hopefully it'll stay that way. I'll write again later on tonight, but for now, I'm just drained from the meds I had to take this morning and the pain of the kidney stones might have been overpowering to today's deployment pain. I suppose we shall find this out tomorrow... Or maybe, I could be getting into the routine already. That would be... Fantastic. I'm just focusing on these goals I have, and it's making things a whole ton easier. Hopefully this post didn't bore you too much, I'll make up for it later. Hang in there everyone, because even on your weakest days, you get a little bit stronger. I miss you Patrick.

First night alone

So, it's time for me to go to sleep. It's time for me to crawl into our big queen sized bed and fall asleep alone - The first lonely night of deployment. I feel alot of anxiety at the moment and I'm terrified to fall asleep. I don't want to crawl into bed without my sweetheart. But, I will be praying for him and dreaming of him. I'm sure that right now he's just as lonely as I am, wishing I was beside him as much as I'm wishing the same. My skin is tingling inside, and I feel like I'm going crazy in a way. I just can't stand knowing how long it's going to be before my next hug and kiss from him. But, I'm ready to start dreaming and be with my baby... Then, starting on my goals tomorrow! No sitting around being depressed. Well, we'll see, won't we? Goodnight everyone and have the sweetest dreams :)

"Can I come wiff you? :(" "No baby, I fink they'd notice you." :("Daddy, can I come?" :( "Actually, you do sorta fit in there. But sorry, you gotta stay home with Mommy!" "Dang it..."

Goals!

Ahhh, deployment goals. Let me list them for you now!
- Lose weight. There is nothing like putting in 4+ hours of exercise a day to exhaust you so you can sleep better at night and at the same time, work towards looking super sexy when he pulls in on homecoming day! :)
- Learn to cook! Lol, my poor poor husband has a wife who's best dish is - Mac and cheese. Not even homemade mac and cheese, but the spongebob or toy story 3 mac and cheese. I not only wanna learn to cook, but cook healthy meals. So when he comes home, he can enjoy a delicious home cooked meal every night, and stay healthy too!
- Write in this blog every single day. Ladies, if I don't write, that's probably a good thing for me. It'll mean my day was too packed to write, which is a blessing. But, I will try!
- Get our home cleaner than it ever was before - add new things to it, organize, etc. Who doesn't love a clean home??
- Here's a big one, one that I will work towards, but, I'm not gonna promise myself this one. My knees are pretty screwed up, and that's why. I won't promise you anything that I'm not positive will happen. But I want to train for a marathon. Or even a half marathon. It'll require determination, stamina, going the distance, motivation and my whole mind and body to fight for that finish line. Those are all the traits that I need to activate for this deployment. Even if in the end, the marathon doesn't happen, I will push myself to bringing out those traits in myself.
- Deciding where I want my future and career to go, because right now, I have NO clue! Time to find myself, huh?
- Save money up. Deployment is a great time to save all the extra money that your honey would usually be spending on games or taking you out to nice places to eat.

That's all for now, but we'll see if we can't add another in there later on!!

Here comes goodbye...

This morning we loaded his sea bag into the car, and he said goodbye to his home for a very long time. Next time he sees this place, leaves will be falling, it'll soon be cold and winter will follow shortly after. And we just got out of winter! When we got to the base, he had to take two trips down the pier for his 3 items - A sea bag, a backpack and a box that I made him. Now ladies, this box... Has helped me IMMENSELY. It has a letter for him to open every single Wednesday until he comes home because this deployment will have very very little communication. He has a present to open for every month. He has pictures of us all through it. I wrote the letters (obviously before he deployed) and writing those letters showed me truthfully that the end of this deployment WILL come. He will one day read that letter that at the end says "See you tomorrow." As horrid as this deployment is now, it will soon end. Anyways, last night and this morning I was keeping it together pretty good. I hadn't cried, was giving my husband encouraging thoughts and we held each other tight as we fell asleep. As he walked down the pier, I glanced to my left. I saw another couple saying their goodbyes and all the sudden I realized - Here comes my goodbye... I started breaking down. The tears were painful as they left my body. My chest ached. I was panicking. I kept thinking, I can't be alone for that long. I can't. He's my best friend, my husband. We live together, we share a home together. How can he leave for that long? He's going to miss everything! I saw him walking towards the car... Oh no... I got out of the car and held him tight. He pressed me as close to him as possible - we were squeezing so tight that we could hardly breathe. This goodbye process was about 10 minutes - Due to the fact that I just COULD NOT let go. I kept saying the same things, "I don't want you to go." "What am I gonna do without you? Who am I gonna talk to?" "I love you so much, so very much, don't you ever forget that!" "Come home to me soon, be safe over everything else!" "I don't wanna let go..." "Please don't leave..." But every second passed quicker than the next. We had to do it. We had to let go. We tried about 3 times, but kept coming back into each others arms. My face hurt from crying so hard and my mouth was dry (Not optimal for your last kiss for the next 7+ months). Finally though, we pressed our lips together... lingered in that spot for a moment, and then released... We looked at each other, and choked out "Goodbye..." and as I climbed into the car, he walked away and down the pier... Gone, gone, gone... My heart was broken. I realized while I was out there saying goodbye, my puppy had went potty on the seat and a little voice in my head said "The deployment fairy has already visited and he's been gone for about 15 seconds." I cried the entire way home. My heart is still aching. I keep thinking that that couldn't possibly be our last kiss... He'll be home sooner than what I'm expecting and I'm finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that I won't hear his voice again for a while... I'm finding it hard to come to terms with the fact that I can't text him or even EMAIL him over the next "--" months. My heart is crying out and begging me to drive back to the base and say goodbye again, but this is it. Our goodbyes have been said, we released from that kiss and now it begins. The deployment has officially... begun. Hang in tight readers, the rollercoaster is about to start.

Pre - Deployment

I'm sure everyone has heard of the dreaded two weeks before deployment. If you haven't, then I suppose it's my job to inform you - They truly do exist. The past 2 weeks have been ups and downs, crazy mood swings (from both of us!) and expectations being all over the place - him expecting things to remain normal (denial/tough guy act), me trying to soak up every single second with him (smothering/irritating). This could be different for some couples, but for the most part, this is how it is. The past two weeks, we've fought so hard that at times, one of us has taken the keys and left the house for a while. At times we almost fell asleep angry (But a big rule in our house is - no matter what, you NEVER fall asleep angry). Sometimes I'd think to myself "Damn, just deploy already!" And sometimes he would think "Damn, I'm ready to get outta here!" But in the end, it's because, realistically, those two weeks are full of emotions, expectations, stress and worry. Everytime he wouldn't want to do something that I wanted to do, I felt like he didn't care. Everytime I asked him to stop playing video games or pay attention to me, he felt like I wasn't allowing him to enjoy his time the way he wanted before he left. But as of yesterday, the day before deployment, there was nothing either of us could think besides how much we loved each other. We couldn't believe that the last 2 weeks had FLOWN past us and we felt like all the time we did have, was spent arguing over silly things. The time leading up to a deployment might just be the hardest part (I guess I'll find out) because it looms over you and everything you do saying "You only have -this many- days left til he's gone for -this many- days. Better fit everything in that you can!" That is what drives many people... Crazy. So in these two weeks, my advice is, try not to sweat all the small stuff. You probably will anyways, but just try to realize that as long as ya'll are together and in contact, no matter whether you're fighting, on opposite sides of the house, or texting because he's working overnight, that's gonna be something you wish you could have back soon enough. So ladies, tough these weeks out. Every once in a while, let your man spend the entire evening doing whatever he wants because this deployment will stink equally as bad for him as for you - if not worse. Hang in there, soak up all the time you can get but don't make the mistake of smothering your significant other to the point where they DON'T want to spend time with you. This time will fly, trust me.

Hey everyone!

My name is Laurel Dangrow and I am the wife of a U.S. Navy submariner. My husband is deploying today. I won't include an exact countdown of this deployment or any locations, but I will try to add an entry each day and have everyone tag along with my story and help other wives make it through their deployments. So, hopefully you enjoy and hopefully this blog will help you to laugh, cry and get tougher as the lover of a man in the military. If you aren't the loved one of a military member, here's a sneak peak into what our lives are like. Enjoy.